With the league shut down because of the coronavirus, this week's results are courtesy of the league's new random-outcome generator, which predicts outcomes of games within a 99.44 percent certainty, provided enough variables are plugged into the program.
Enjoy.
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| Jay "J.J." Sadowski describes his missing game hat to his incredulous teammates. The game was delayed several moments while he looked for his lucky hat, which looks nearly identical to the warm-up hat that he is wearing |
Wonders - 3
Grays - 3 (suspended game, 1 inn.)
Grays - 3 (suspended game, 1 inn.)
Time of game: 2:35
The Grays' season got off on a sour note, literally, when manager Stu "Are You" Clark insisted on singing the national anthem into his son's portable karaoke machine with the volume set on 11. After the police assured the households neighboring the field that it would never happen again, the game was allowed to continue but at the cost of only a few replacement windows and several valuable moments of daylight.The game was delayed further when starting pitcher Jay (J.J.) Sadowski could not find his lucky game hat. When someone pointed out he was wearing it, Sadowski said "that's my warm-up hat. I need my game hat!"
After several moments of searching through his car and dumping the trunk in the parking lot, Sadowski was persuaded to pitch without his game hat. But sufficiently rattled, he allowed 3 runs by walking the first 6 batters. He then righted himself by striking out the next 3.
Home plate umpire Pesce "Harry" Chadwick was heard to remark "That was the damnedest thing I ever saw."
The Grays tied the score in the bottom of the first. With the bases loaded and 2 outs, Mark "Prestidigitation" Pieraccini hit a popup so high that all nine of the Wonders defenders collided at the pitcher's mound while trying to make a play.
The three runs scored as the ball hit the turf.
"I change my mind," Chadwick was heard to exclaim. "That was the damnedest thing I ever saw!"
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| Stu Clark tries to get his team to re-focus after last night's National Anthem debacle. "How did I know they would call the cops?" he exclaimed. |
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| Now batting, Daryl Strawberry |
Plugs - 0
Phils - 9 (forfeit)
Time of game: 6 min.
Phils won the opening game with a crisp game of lawyer ball that began moments after the first pitch.
New Plugs manager Chris "Chaka Khan" Scanlon in a moment of first-game zeal filled out his lineup not with the names of his team, but with the names of his favorite Met players of yesteryear. After the first pitch, Phils manager Max "the Jailhouse Lawyer" Strubel came out to argue that the pitcher was not, in fact, Dwight Gooden.
Strubel further argued that Keith Hernandez was not at first, Ray Knight was not at third, nor Daryl Strawberry in right. Strubel argued that having an entire lineup of non-roster players was in violation of league rules and the game must be declared a forfeit.
After several, several moments of deliberation, home plate umpire Harry "Chadwick" Pesce ruled the contest in favor of the Phils. He also ejected Plugs' catcher Gary Carter who loudly protested the ruling by shouting "that's bullshit."
Strubel afterward said, somewhat redundantly, that a win is a win is a win.
"I see what Chaka was trying to do and it was cute," he said. "But like Lou Grant on the old Mary Tyler Moore show, I hate cute!"
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| "But how can we be sure it's not the real Daryl Strawberry?" The Phillies bench deliberate their next step. |
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Isotopes - 0
Goats - 0 (suspended game)
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| Chadwick "Harry" Pesce |
The first-ever matchup between the Fainting Goats and the expansion Isotopes was suspended when each of the two teams went to two different fields -- and each of them was the wrong field.
The Goats went to Whately Field in Windsor, Conn. "I misread the schedule," said Goats manager Paddy "Mr. Meticulous"Johnson. "Sorry."
Meanwhile, the Isotopes rented a team bus for their first game but ended up Putney, Vermont. As team manager Doug "Stower Power" Stowers explained, "I said "Whately Field" into my Garmen, but it heard it as 'Santa's Land' and I never double-checked it. Sorry."
Home plate umpire Chadwick "Harry" Pesce suspended the game after spending several moments at home plate, randomly calling numbers on his phone and leaving the same message: "What's going on? Call me!"
The game will be made up at a later date.
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